


So hopped up that I can't pretend

by hnyaas



Category: Leah on the Offbeat - Becky Albertalli, Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: 1st person, Bram and simon r in love, F/F, Fluff, Hickeys, I'm???, Leah POV, Leah finds out about the emails, Leah loves her bff you guys, Love Confessions, M/M, Mention of consensual underage, Read this please i spent a lot of time on it, This was so fun to write i love Leah, We stan abby, outsider pov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-04
Updated: 2018-11-04
Packaged: 2019-08-17 12:53:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16516844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hnyaas/pseuds/hnyaas
Summary: "Simon, I've been in love with you since freshman year, as creepy as that sounds. I'm seriously ready for this, because I love you. A lot,"Simon huffs air out of his nose. "I love you a lot, too,"And wow, did I just overhear Simon and Brams first I-love-you's? Okay, Leah, time to stop hiding in the blindspot while eavesdropping like a weirdo.(snippets of Simon and Brams relationship from Leahs perspective plus a lot of Leah stuff because I love her)





	So hopped up that I can't pretend

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the song Two-Time by Jack Stauber's Micropop
> 
> Warning for 1st person since summa yall dont like that

So, it was an adjustment.

Bram Greenfeld. Quiet, soccer player Bram was one no longer a shadow of Garrett. He wasn't just a face in the classroom. He was Simon Spiers boyfriend. Holy shit.

I mean, it's really just not fair that Simon got a boyfriend, like, right after he came out. Not that I'm bitter.

I was pissed at Simon while the whole Martin Ordeal went down, which I still feel super shitty about, by the way, but that means I didn't actually know Simon was dating anyone until after our car conversation, and that person was Bram Greenfeld. Talk about plot twists.

I have no idea how that happened. Absolutely no fucking clue. Like, I seriously hope they didn't just get together because they were both gay. That would suck. I dont think that Simon would be the type of person to do that, but I worry.

Not just that, though, because I still cant imagine Simon in a relationship at all, which sounds super bitchy, but I just cant. It's like when your parents go on dates. You know where they are and what they're doing, but when you try to imagine the actual date it's either too weird or impossible.

Not saying that I see Simon as a father. Gross.

But Simon's happy. Like, ridiculously fucking happy, so I cant even be bothered.

I'm pulled out of my thoughts by a shoulder tap.

"Psst, Leah," Simon hisses from behind me.

I suck my cheeks in and turn around, making a fish face at him. He smiles and blows air out of his nose in amusement.

"So, WaHo after school, per Abby's request, you in?" He asks.

The bell rings, and I get up and gather my things as Simon does the same. He follows me out of the classroom and towards the cafeteria.

"Uh, who's coming?"

"What?"

"To waffle house? Who's coming, Si?"

Simon gestures vaguely around table as he takes his seat beside Bram. 

"The squad?" He offers as I sit down.

I snort. "Squad?" 

But it kinda is, because SimonandBram has caused a rift in our lunch table group. A good one. Actually, we're just kind of a whole friend group now. Us eight.

Simon nods.

"Okay, but I need a ride. My moms car has been acting weird lately and she's using mine,"

Simon grins. "No problem,"

Which is how I find myself in the backseat of Simons car at 3:00 in the afternoon. Nice.

I've actually never been in the backseat of his car, and normally I'd take shotgun while giving zero shits, but I respect Bram's boyfriend rights. I'm just praying that they're not big on PDA.

"So, uh, Leah, how's your mom?"

I bite back a smile. Simon's doing the awkward voice he does when he doesn't know what to say. I mean, being in a car with your boyfriend and best friend can't be the most casual situation. And now I realize I'm feeling awkward too. I know nothing about Bram. Nothing.

"Yeah, she's good," I say. I feel like my voice sounds squeaky. 

The rest of the ride is awkward silence and low-volume Elliott Smith and Sufjan Stevens.

When we get out of the car, Simon's lips twitch upward as he gently bumps shoulders with Bram while we walk towards the Waffel House. I can't help but feel a little left out, but I push it down with my love for my best friend and his happiness, and holy shit, I sound like Abby.

I walk a good yard behind them, but still hear their whispered conversation.

"-just feel a little awkward, y'know? She's your best friend. Is weird that I want her to like, approve of me or something?" Bram whispers, his head ducked towards Simon.

"Not at all, Blue. And I honestly get the feeling that Leah likes you. Really. I'm not just saying that because I'm your boyfriend,"

Bram smirks. "Blue, huh? Well, Jauques, I didn't know we were at a pet name stage,"

Simon is hardcore blushing, and I'm hardcore loving Bram right now.

"Shut it, Greenfeld,"

Brams mysterious smirk grows into a soft smile. A smile reserved only for Simon.  
"Well, it's absolutely okay. You're adorable,"

"Not so bad yourself, Blue,"

Wow, okay, so they've been dating for two weeks after almost three years of never talking and they're on a comfortable teasing pattern like this? Also, who hell knows where "Blue" and "Jauques" come from?

We walk into the Waffel House and sit in a booth near the back. My personal favorite spot. Me, Morgan, Anna, and Garrett squeeze in on one side with Nick, Abby, Simon, and Bram on the other. The waiter comes around, and normally I just order a coke, but today I've got some extra money and an appetite, so I order pancakes.

"Pancakes?" Simon asks as the waiter leaves. "At Waffel House?" 

I maturely stick my tounge out at him. "Pancakes are superior, Simon,"

"But, Leah, the crunch," he argues. Bram chuckles. 

Abby interrupts our conversation by slapping her hands on the table.

"Simon!" She exclaims, "you cant argue with Leah to get out of this conversation. How did you and Bram go from strangers to an obnoxiously adorable couple overnight? It's unfair,"

And for once, I agree with Abby.

"Yeah, Si, how the hell did that happen?" I add.

Bram and Simon share a look, and then Bram says, "It started last August, on the Tumblr,"

Simon interrupts, "He made a post about being closeted gay, and I was like holy freaking shit, this guy gets it! So I left my email on the post and he emailed me back a week later under the nickname Blue,"

Oh my god. The nickname. This seriously feels straight out of a fanfiction. Like, I feel like I know where this is heading.

And I was right.

"And then we started emailing back and forth and, sort of, fell for each other? I guess? Anyways then Martin happened and stuff and Bram knew who I was so he gave me a shirt and and then I wore the shirt to the carnival and he rode the tilt-a-whirl for me and the rest is history?"

"Oh my god, Si, ever heard of details? And I knew you were looking for a guy at the carnival!" Abby says, looking at Simon before reaching to ruffle his dirty blond hair.

Simon smiled and blushed, and Brams hand disappeared under the table to brush Simons, and you know what? I really fucking approve of this nerd.

+++

It's Tuesday. Bram and Simon have been a thing for four months now. Junior year is almost over.

Junior year is almost over.

I mean, Jesus Christ, Junior year ends, summer break happens, and then senior year comes with impending college doom, and dare I say, prom.

I'm thinking about next year until I'm biting my nails and losing focus in class. The bell rings. I head to Simon's car, I had to ask for a ride today because my moms car is only working one out of ten times. It sucks.

Then I remember I cant actually head to Simon's car, because Simon rode with Bram today. So another boyfriend car ride. Nice.

Actually, things between Bram and I aren't so awkward anymore. We've still never hung out one-on-one, but we've had more conversations to count, and he's really growing on me. Also, he's like, super smart. Simon really got it in the bag with this one.

I turn around and head to the car, with means I'm approaching it from behind. So now I'm the blind spot, listening, as I suddenly hear Bram laugh through the open driver side window.

"Oh my god Simon, seriously? On the hand?" Bram laughs, smiling with his voice.

"Yeah, whatever. I'm actually proud of that," Simon retorts.

Ah, the wax hand story.

"Anyways," Bram starts," "wanna hear something terrible?" He asks.

I presume Simon nods, and then he says, "Hold on. Lemme text Nick and Leah to tell them you officially know the story--" he pauses for a moment, and then, "okay, tell me the terrible thing,"

My phone buzzes with a text from Simon. Thank god for the ringer switch.

I practically hear Bram smiling. "Okay, so basically, you know how I was at your house the other day?"

"Mmhmm,"

"Well, Simon Irvin Spier, I'm proud to say you give great hickey's, because my mom noticed,"

Simon gasps and snorts at the same time. "No way. I'm so sorry,"

"No! Don't be sorry, anyway, my mom gave me about five pamphlets on sexual hygiene for gay men. It had pictures, Simon. I was mortified,"

I bite back a barking laugh.

Simon laughs and then goes quiet. I can hear him thinking.

"Do you think, y'know, that those might be, like, important? In the future? I mean," Simon trails off, sighing. This is not a conversation I thought I'd overhear.

"Hey, Simon, what's going on up there?" Bram asks in a gentle voice. Simon's probably doing his thinker face.

"Like, I really freaking love you, y'know, and this is such an awkward conversation, but I'm just like, did you, uh," Simon stops again, sound hoarse. "Did you keep them? The pamphlets?"

"I did actually, and I know it's awkward, but it's also really important," Bram says. I hear a rustle of fabric. "I love you too, by the way,"

Simon squeaks. "Holy freaking shit, did I say that? Oh my god. Is it too soon? I mean, I mean it, but, like, isn't that a lot? Oh god, shit, ye-" Simon gets cut off by what I assume is Brams lips. 

"Simon, I've been in love with you since freshman year, as creepy as that sounds. I'm seriously ready for this, because I love you. A lot,"

Simon huffs air out of his nose. "I love you a lot, too,"

And wow, did I just overhear Simon and Brams first I-love-you's? Okay, Leah, time to stop hiding in the blindspot while eavesdropping like a weirdo.

I step forward and bit a knock on the backseat window, and Bram unlocks the car.

"Hey, Leah!" He smiles at me. They both look giddy and restless and probably can't wait to drop me off so they can go back to Simon's place. But it's whatever. Just for today.

But when I get home, I'm weirdly curious, because I've read too much gay porn to count, really, but I'm totally clueless about hygiene and shit like that. It's kind of ridiculous.

So I look it up and read through a few articles. It's way more complex than I thought. Like, R.I.P. Bram and/or Simon, honestly. Then I read a few about lesbian sex, too. And there's a bunch of shit I don't know about that, so I feel weirdly better about myself afterwards.

Then my mind drifts to Abby Suso, so I force my self to think about about the how-to-clean-out-your-ass article to get my mind off her. Then I get out my sketch book and start drawing. 

I draw a girl smiling, soft wide eyes looking at an imaginary camera. She's wearing a light pink sundress, small hoop earrings, and her arm is covered in friendship bracelets. Her curly hair is neat and short trimmed, and holy shit. My brain is such an asshole.

+++

"Hey, Lee, come help me out with the car, would you?" My mom asks, struggling to hook the tow on.

It summer vacation, Simon and Bram have been together for six months, and Simon didn't respond to my texts, so now I'm helping mom tow her dead car away instead of playing with Bieber and heckling Nora.

My phone's buzzing with a call from Nick as we finish up and my mom drives away. I answer on the third ring to seem not desperate. 

"Hey, Nick, what's up?" I ask, walking into the kitchen to grab a yogurt.

"Nothing much. Hey, we're all heading to the midtown county pool tomorrow, want to come?" He asks.

"Yes! I, er, yeah, I'll be there," I say, trying to sound cool. I'm actually just proud of my new bathing suit. I found this little shop of all plus size bathing suit that were seriously fucking cheap. It was amazing.

"Cool! Cool, so you, me, Abby, Bram, Garrett, and Simon? Morgan and Anna didn't want to come," he says, the audio cutting out a bit. He's probably in his basement.

"Yeah, that's fine," I say. "Hey do you know what Simons up to today? We texted this morning, but he hasn't returned my request to hang out since 6 pm," 

Nick coughs a little. "No, I actually haven't heard from him. I think his parents are out of town, though, he might just be watching Love, Actually reruns in secret,"

I snicker. "Okay, well I'm going to go to bed and then stay up late on my phone. Talk to you tomorrow?" I say, throwing away the empty yogurt cup.

"Yup, sure," and the call ends.

When I wake up in the morning, I'm feeling weirdly buzzed and excited. 

I slowly get up and put on my suit. Then I throw on a green sun-dress over it, grab my phone along with my bag containing sunscreen, and head out.

The bus is exactly on time, which is like a tiny miracle. The ride is about 40 minutes, so I settle in the back and pull out my phone, seeing five texts from Simon.

/Whoops, sorry, was busy yesterday, LOL/

/We can hang out after the pool today?/

/Nora just texted, says she has your sheet music/

/I can bring it, also, an excuse to snoop around in Noras room/

/Nothing interesting :( found the sheet music though! Drum music looks weird/

What a peanut. At least I know where my music went, though.

Okay, thanks, I text back. I know it sounds awkward, but its the best I can do. I pull up Spotify and put on my playlist. It lasts the whole ride and then some.

When I get off the bus and walk to the pool, the first person I see is Simon. He has this weird expression on his face. I don't think I've ever seen it before. He looks both elated and worried. He mostly just seems energized, though. Like something exciting just happened.

He smiles when he sees me, and out of his backpack he pulls a piece of sheet music. I grab it.

"Thanks," I mumble. Simon bites his lip as we enter through the pool gates.

"Hey, I'm sorry I didn't return your texts yesterday. I wasn't, like ignoring you, I was just-" He gets cut off by Abby barreling into him at full speed.

"Yay! I'm so glass you made it. Like, no one's here. Is seventy degrees cold here?" She asks, unattatching herself from Simon and falling into step next to us and we join the others on the poolside.

Nick acts first, tearing his shirt off and canonballing into the water. Simon suddenly sucks in a breath and wraps his arms around his chest.

Okay, he's acting really fucking weird. Like, at first he's all glowy and smiles, and now he's all self-conscious? I'm actually beginning to think something's wrong, before I think I know what's going on with him.

Holy shit, he and Bram did it. It has to be.

I don't know what's with the self-consciousness, but if fanfiction has taught me anything, it's that this is how people act after that happens. This is too goddamn great.

And then Bram shows up, and my suspicions are proven. They're all blushes and shy smirks and smiles. Simon forgets the word "octopus". This is amazing.

Now, if I know anything about Simon and Bram, it's that they're not a PDA couple. Like, you seriously can't even tell they're dating unless you ask. But not today.

Today, they're sitting way too close for two straight boys. And, yeah, they're normally more comfortable around us. But not this comfortable, because Bram is nearly in Simon's lap, and Simon is resting his chin on Brams shoulder, pressing the occasional soft kiss to his neck. 

Like, now that I think about it, the fact that they had sex the night before is painfully obvious. But I'm a nosy bitch sometimes, so a give Simon a Look.

He furrowed his brow. "Leah? You okay?" He asks.

"Never better, Si," I smile, "Hey, can I talk to you for a sec? Alone," I add, side-eying Nick as he attempts to splash me.

Simon nods, and Bram shifts so Simin and can get up. I lead him around to behind the bathrooms and make him tell it to me straight.

"Did you and Bram have sex last night?"

The look of absolute horror and shock on his face was pretty priceless even though I was starting to feel bad for asking.

"I," he starts, seeming lost. Then he goes into a tangent. "Is it like, obvious? Oh god I mean I've felt like it was written on my face all. Day. Long. But then I was like maybe its in my head? And now I can't take of my freaking shirt, and Bram's, like, really distracting, so do you think that e-"

"Simon," 

He blushes, his eyes flicking up nervously to meet mine. "Yeah?"

"You're overreacting. I really don't think anyone's cared to notice, honestly,"

He breathes out, shooting me a thankful grin. "Okay, well, this is still really freaking awkward," he mumbles.

"Not really. Just, please, spare me details, but like, was it good?" I'm curious. Sue me.

He sucks in his cheeks and smiles self consciously. "Oh my god, yes. It was amazing," 

I mean, if it was hard grasping the knowledge that Simon had a boyfriend, now I'm stuck knowing he has a sex life, too.

I smirk. "And you used protection, right?"

He snorts. "You seriously sound like Bram's mom. Yes, Jesus Christ,"

I smile. I'm happy for him, I really am, but there's this weird skip in my chest. Something like jealousy. I mean, I don't like Simon. That's fucking gross. And I don't like Bram, either. I guess I just want what they have. 

"So, why can't you take off your shirt?" I ask. 

"Oh, shit. I said that? Uh, I guess I'll just show you," he mutters.

And just as he's beginning to lift his shirt, it hits me. God damn.

His chest is covered in bruises. Like, I attempted to count, and stopped at twenty-three. It's that bad.

"Holy shit, Si," is all I manage to say as I start manically laughing.

He quickly pulls his Elliott Smith shirt back over his head and pouts at me.

"Whatever, Leah. Bram has them too," he says.

Oh, god. I guess they're not swimming today.

"Good for you, Simon," I say.

Then I pat him on the arm and we head back to our friends.

I think back to the articals I read and find my mind wandering to who had to 'clean up'. Gross, because I just accidentally imagined Simon naked. I love him, I do, but not like that. Not at all.

It's weird, though. It's like, I know Simon for his bubbly, childish personality. And not that I want to, but I just can't imagine him in that mindset. Ever. It's like, this little part of Simon that only Bram gets to see. Weird, but whatever. They're dorks.

+++

Goodbye Summer, hello senior year.

Senior has been less chaotic than I honestly expected. I think I thought it would all fly by, and I would be acing all my classes, but as it stands, we're only a couple weeks in.

It's weird right now. The air smells like smoke from a fireplace despite it only being September, and the sun is still high in the sky as I walk home from the bus stop at 3:27 pm.

I hate this part of the year.

Its hot, and then cold, and its like everything a little bit slower and off-balance. They say your senior year flies by but right now its taking forever.

Maybe I like it that way.

When October hits, everything will feel faster and exiting. Halloween and then the holidays, and that little blip in-between where you eat a feast with family members you only tolerate.

I usually spend thanksgiving with Simons family.

But right now its September 2nd, life is slow and draggy, and I find my mind on Abby way too much.

I stand at my front door and unlock it. I say hi to my mom, who's on the phone. My feet are dragging.

I drop my drumsticks and my backpack on the floor and lay face down on my bed. I unlock my phone without even looking at it.

I sit up and call Simon. It rings only once before he answers.

"Leah?"

I breathe out. "Hey, si, can I come over or are you with Bram?"

"Haha. Hes actually not here right now, want me to pick you up?"

"Yeah," I hang up.

I wipe my eyes and see black smudges on my hands. I groan. I'd get up to fix it but I feel too heavy.

I hear Simons car pull up.

I'm down the hall in a millisecond and rushing out the door. I clamber into Simon's car like a dog or something.

Simon looks at me, his face contorting into concern. 

"Leah. Are you okay?" He asks.

"I dont know," I say. And I dont.

He smiles at me. "Want to go get sushi?"

"You hate sushi, Simon,"

"But you love sushi. And I love you,"

I feel tears welling up in my eyes for some reason. And then I'm crying.

His eyes widen. He doesnt know what to do. 

I look at him, still crying, but I smile. "Okay then, lets go. You can just get potstickers,"

He looks confused, but he nods and pulls out of my driveway.

My tears slowly stop and I'm rifling through his glove box. I fond a small container of putty and start stretching it with my hands, but it just breaks in half. I settle on gently squeezing it.

Simon bites his lip. "Y'know, Bram told me that when someone cries in front of me, it doesnt mean they want my attention, or they want me to feel bad and console them, they just want to cry with someone theyre comfortable with and not be judged,"

He keeps going, "do you think thats true? I never know what do when that happens. Its like I wanna help you, but I dont wanna say the wrong thing and look stupid,"

I smile at him and squeeze his hand. "I think its true. I was feeling overwhelmed just now, and you're a comfortable person. Sorry if it was weird, but if it makes you feel any better, I'd never cry in front of anyone else,"

Simon smiles at me. "No one?"

I smirk. "Okay, maybe I cried in front of my mom once,"

He gasps dramatically and hits hit chest. "Leah? Have you been— cheating on me?!"

I snort out loud and and it takes a few minutes for my laughter to die down.  
Then I ask him,

"Bram told you that?"

He blushes a little. "Yeah. He's smart, y'know?"

I smirk at him. "you have a crush on him, huh?"

"Leah, I've literally been dating him for over half a goddamn year. But yeah. I really love him,"

"Thats sweet,"

"What?? Leah Burke? Saying sweet?"

"Shh. You heard nothing,"

+++

Senior year ends in one month.

I'm an actual capital 'M' Mess. Morgan might be racist, the Abby situation is out of control, and Nick is losing his goddamn mind.

Prom is in an hour, so thats nice.

To clarify; I think I'm really in it for Abby fucking Suso.

She kissed me, I cried like a damn fool, I yelled at her, I'm going to prom with Garrett, Simon thinks and hour distance is a deal-breaker, and Nick is actually going insane.

I take a breath.

I'm sitting at a pink table in a pink chair next to doll-Hermione. Bram is brushing his American-girl-doll's hair while Simon looks at him lovingly. Nick had an outburst, I consoled Abby in a bathroom, and now we're eating tiny pink cupcakes.

This is a goddamn mess. All of it. In a way, Its beautiful.

We pay for our food and Garrett pays for mine, and then we're back in the limo and Nicks getting drunk.

And now I'm at prom and it sucks because Garrett wants to kiss me, and I'm in love with a girl I cant have, not with Nick like this, and I'm watching Simon and Bram slow dance.

I tear up a little.

And then Nick's making out with Taylor, and Abbys crying on a bench.

Shes not jealous, not really, but she feels bad. And she kisses me again.

And I yell, and I walk away.

And then I see Simon and Bram and I start crying. I dont know why.

Theyre holding eachother in way I feel like I'll never understand, Simon's nuzzled into Brams neck, and Bram leans a little to press a kiss to Simons hair. Theyre swaying a bit.

And I'm crying because theyre so brave to be together, and I think how that could've been Abby and I if I hadn't been dense and distrustful. And suddenly I'm running.

Fuck Georgia, fuck Nick, fuck my dramatic 'I cant be with her' attitude. 

I'm going to kiss Abby Suso, and I'm not going to regret it.

**Author's Note:**

> This was so fun to write I love Leah so much <3
> 
> Kudos and comments appreciated.
> 
> \- Liam


End file.
